Welcoming Death With Open Arms
by Princess of the Mer-Rebels
Summary: Suicide!Merlin.
1. Chapter 1

One shot. I need to stop writing depressing stuff. I was in a great mood, had an awesome day, till I sit at my computer and this spews out. I was planning on some humor. This is the complete opposite. Hope you're ready for some angst.

Warning, Suicidal!Merlin. Spoilers. Set season 3. Note: all poisons mentioned in this are real.

What's wrong with me? I spend days just serving. What use is a life where you serve another every moment of your day? I never receive a thank you. Does the prat even know anything about me? He can't. Arthur can't know my secrets. I can't tell them to my best friend. (It's sad that my best friend is a man I serve.) He can't know about my magic or destiny. He can't know about my father or Morgana. I can't tell him what's wrong. I can't tell him anything.

What worth is there in life? I am a traitor to my own kind. Morgana hates me. She used to be one of my friends. Will is dead. I can't see him anymore. Freya is lost; she never stood a chance with that curse. Gaius doesn't understand. Lancelot is banished, gone, as is Gwaine. Gwen hasn't been the same since her father's death and falling for Arthur. Arthur is an unobservant prat who needs to grow eyes. I have no one. I keep everything inside me; all the feelings are threatening to break loose.

They wouldn't know, at least for a couple days. Arthur would think Gaius was using me. Gaius and Gwen would think Arthur was overworking me. I could disappear, none the wiser. Nobody would come after me. Nobody would think to look.

Is it possible anyone has noticed the loss? The quietness, the silence, it's continuous. Have they looked for my smile to find it gone, like smoke in the breeze? Has anyone noticed the sorrow in my heart? I hope not. I try to keep my façade.

I can almost hear the word, spat out like poison from a viper's tongue, "sorcerer." I can see in my minds eye Uthur killing me. I will never let these events take place. I will never allow Gaius the sorrow of seeing me killed. I will not allow Arthur to know. I wish to keep my memory at least, untarnished.

I need to choose the way.

I feel the breeze on my face; see the cold cliff and the ocean beneath. I turn away. This won't do.

I see the beast in the forests underbrush. A single scratch, and I'm dead. A slow acting poison would kill me. Even though I deserve suffering for the things I've caused, I know it won't do.

I think about using food and water. Three days without either of these would do it. But that may clue them in. It won't do.

I climb the top of the tower, glance at the courtyard below. I couldn't. I may hurt another person.

I finger Gaius's bottles. Crisp and labeled, they beckon to me. I sneak as he is asleep and read them, oleander leaves, azaleas, yew berries, nightshade berries, hemlock, castor beans, all used to stop the suffering of patients that are fated to die. My suffering should be stopped too. This is perfect. I take a bit.

Where should I do it? Should it be where they will find me soon? Or should it be not at all? Should I write my reasons first? Do I tell anyone? No. That thing I know for certain, no one can know.

I take castor beans, only two are needed to cause death. I remember that from when Gaius taught me what to use when. I'm glad I'd been paying attention. It helped me pick the easiest way. I'm sure Gaius didn't expect that when he taught me.

I raise my arm and place them in my mouth. I lie on my bed, my chosen place of death. I take a deep breath and start to eat them.

The door bursts open. Who tries to foil my plan? Hopefully they're too late. I welcome you death, with open arms.

Do I continue? Do I leave it?


	2. Chapter 2

If you didn't want it to continue, you don't need to read this. If you did, read on.

This is a companion, not continuation, in Arthur's POV.

Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews! I was amazed at how many of you wanted me to continue!

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><p>What is wrong with Merlin? He does nothing, says nothing. He acts like a normal servant. This can't go on, it's driving me insane. He is always on time, always perfect. He doesn't even call me prat anymore. I miss that.<p>

I try to observe what's wrong. I can't ask him outright, just as I can't admit he is my best friend. If I did ask, and nothing was wrong, he would be upset at me. If there were something wrong, he would just avoid the question, like he always does. I never get a straight answer. He's shrouded in secrets, even I can't tell them.

Everyone seems different. Everyone has changed. My father has grown even more distant, if possible. Gwen has become quieter and our relationship has changed, to more than friends. Morgana is acting strangely. I see her sneak out at night, how could anyone miss her? I see her smirk. I don't dare ask. Gaius used to be like an uncle to me, watching me when my father wouldn't. Now I only see him when something is wrong. The only thing constant was Merlin and even he has changed.

How could it be gone? The smiles, the banter, it's missing. Merlin has become miserable. He tries to hide it. I don't know why. I have to help; yet I can't. I've never felt so hopeless, never been so lost. What do I do?

I try to imagine what caused this. He broke. What has gone wrong in his life so terrible that drove him to this point? He's only a simple servant, nothing more. He shouldn't have such misery. What has caused it?

I watch him closely, trying to see what's wrong. Can he feel my eyes on him like a hawk's? Does he see that I won't leave him alone to wallow in his own misery for too long? I try to keep him busy so he doesn't have the chance.

He leaves, during one of his few breaks. I follow him to see what he does, hoping to try to gain some insight.

He walks to the edge of Camelot, on the ocean. I recognize this ocean. It's where the labyrinth was. Why is he here? He looks down from the top of a large cliff, and for a minute I'm sure he is about to jump and I run to stop him. There's no need. He turns away.

He walks through the forest on his way back, instead of using the path. I sneak behind. A growl comes from a bush and I see a magical creature lurking in the shadows. Merlin stops for a second, and then continues on. He must not have seen it. I kill it before it can hurt him from behind.

He picks at his food. I'm not sure why, but he's eating less. This only goes on for a few days, then stops, suddenly. He must've realized how thin he was getting. He was only skin and bones. Why was he pushing himself to that?

I follow him to the top of the tower in the far side of the castle. I don't know why he has gone here. It is the tallest, and most unused since a man fell a year ago. Merlin hopefully doesn't know. I shudder to think if he does, why he is up here. He glances down, but leaves, just as he did with the cliff. I pay even closer attention now.

I plan to go to Gaius to talk about it. I run to his rooms at the first possible minute. Gaius isn't there, but Merlin is. I don't allow Merlin to see me. He lingers near the bottles. Does Gaius know he's doing this? He pockets some. I go over after he is gone to see which ones. They're poison.

I try to think of rational reasons, but they all flood out of my head. I can't loose him; he's my best friend. Why would he do this? Why would he commit suicide? I have to stop him.

He walks to his room, and I follow to the door. I wait outside, looking through the crack in the door. He raises his hand to his mouth. I can't take it anymore. I burst in. I just hope I'm not too late. He can't die, not like this.


	3. Chapter 3

Ok, so I was asked to make it a three shot, with what happened after. Not as much angst, because I had to add in talking and stuff. Lots of Guilty!Arthur. Don't worry; it's not a death fic. Or is it? The part in italics is Merlin in 2nd person.

_You swallow and it comes crashing down. A split second of peace, you know it's all over and you welcome the end. Your soul is free. You get to see Freya and Will and your father. You know the others will eventually join you, hopefully not through the same means. You will welcome them with open arms. You black out, but not before hearing your name being called, and feeling your shoulders being shaken. _

I watch as his head slumps onto the bed, my world is crashing down. No! It can't be over! I haven't had time to try helping. I run to him, shaking his shoulders. "Merlin, wake up!" I say, "Merlin!" He doesn't wake. I run to the other room, carrying him like the girl I had called him yesterday. Oh how I wish I didn't tease him so much. Was that part of what caused this? Did he realize the unspoken friendship? I put him on the hospital bed, and run out the door. "Get Gaius!" I yell to the nearest servant, "It's a matter of life and death!" They take off running.

I return to Merlin and try to help. He's unresponsive. He looks as though he's sleeping there, his face peaceful. Why did he choose this? What does he gain from death? What drove him to it?

Gaius returns. He looks irritated at being called from what he was doing, but the second he sees Merlin, he begins to look more worried and panicked. "What happened?" he asks. You point to the poisons. "He ate that?" Gaius hurries over and looks at which is missing. "Why?"

"I don't know. I just saw him eating it," you say, leaving out the fact that it was probably suicide, "Is he going to be ok," get right to the point, no need to draw out the suffering.

"It appears to be Castor Seeds, raw ones," Gaius said as he started grabbing things from shelves.

"Meaning?"

"It could be fatal, depending on the dose. I appear to be missing two, assuming he ate them both, he will die if we don't make the antidote in time,"

"How much time do we have?"

"Enough," We fall silent, left to our thoughts.

Does Gaius know it was suicide? Can he tell what I'm trying to spare him from? Why would Merlin do this to him? Can't he tell how like a son he is to Gaius? Why would he do it to me? I feel more lost and alone than I should. It's worse than the Morteus flower, because at least then I could do something. It also wasn't suicide then. Or was it? Now that I think about it, Merlin has always had a death wish. I should've seen this coming! The time in the labyrinth, the poisoned goblet, going on quests without armor. I feel so stupid! I could've fixed it. I could've stopped him. If I had confronted him, asked what was wrong, he would be fine.

_You feel calm, like you're floating in a peaceful lake. It's neither warm nor cold, and you see a bright light. You start by floating towards the light, but then you feel a strong force pulling you backwards. In your mind you hear Will, "It's not your time. Don't do this. Live for the both of us," You ignore him, fighting the wind-like force. You try magic, but it's gone. You slowly black out from exhaustion and the wind sweeps you away. _

Gaius forces his protesting mouth open and I pour the potion down his throat. He struggles, but I don't think he realizes what he's doing. He fights, and I pin him down. He cries out, and I wince, feeling as though I'm stabbed each time I hear that pitiful sob. When will this torture end? I get my answer as he stills and stops moving. Slowly he opens his eyes, tears rolling down his face.


End file.
